Ghosts of the Past

I had a severe migraine today....so bad I nearly went to the emergency room. That sometimes happens. My daughter gave me 800 mg of ibuprofen, and that took the edge off, and I slept. I think it was brought on by my near breakdown yesterday.

Yes, I had a breakdown of sorts. I even contemplated going to the hospital because I was freaking out like a junkie and scared shitless, but I knew my daughter and granddaughter needed me here, so I dealt with it. I know why I had a near breakdown. 

This is the exact time of year 12 years ago when I put into action my plan to leave my psychotic boyfriend. 

Phase One: get a job at Kohler Company so i would have money to move with. 
Phase Two: get a car, even though I didn't have my license yet. I knew how to drive, and I didn't have time to wait for protocol.
Phase Three: Get first paycheck and secure new apartment.
Phase Four: Wait until he left for work one day and quickly move out.

Everything went according to plan until phase four. Someone tipped him off. The whole thing was like a tv movie.....Me, in the driver's seat, just turning the ignition and getting ready to pull out. Then him, in the window, smile on his face, asking "Going somewhere?"

And before I can even react, he opens the passenger door and says "Why don't I help you?"

That was the beginning of 3 and a half months of terror and hell. I thought I was going to die. He would have killed me. But I am not ready yet to spill that story.

So yesterday all kinds of crap happens. My daughter is a victim and key witness in a huge, made for the movies, criminal investigation. I realize this particular incident is about her, but my psychological fears and phobias sprung into full alert. For days now, I haven't been able to leave my house without becoming physically ill. I even force myself to walk to the store, but the fear is getting worse. I rationalize, tell myself I haven't seen my ex-boyfriend in over 12 years (he got 11 years in prison, and was released in 2010), but I can't help the fear. Terror is a better word, actually. I am afraid of spiders. I am terrified to go outdoors at night. I am terrified to be alone for any length of time. I drug up on sleeping pills at night because I will have very lifelike, very terrifying nightmares if I don't. 

So yesterday all of this hits me full force, and I am practically hysterical with fear. I am a very logical, no nonsense person. I handle pressurized situations great. Except this one. I am prepared. I will not go down without a fight. And there is no indication, no inkling he would even ever show up again. But I distrust everyone. 

He was more than a jerk and abuser. He had Charles Manson eyes. He had all the traits and characteristics of a serial killer. He killed animals. He tortured me. I have met creeps. I have met all kinds. Only a few select belong to he psycho club.......Son of Sam, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, too name a few. And my guy. The devil with the angel's face. 

I am afraid of dying by his hands. I am afraid of having no control. I am afraid of meeting another like him. 

I know I need to face this fear. I need to talk about it, in full. I think that scares me the most. 

He is not just some lowlife guy who got off and beating up women. He is capable of horrible things. And they all have a trigger....a reason they do what they do. 

I have decided to tell my therapist we need to work on this sooner rather than later. And I am going to try and stay out of the hospital. I cannot leave my daughter and granddaughter here alone, even though I know they are probably safe. But I thought I was safe once, too. And he will stop at nothing to hurt me. He even threatened to take my youngest child once. 

I don't like this. I hate drama. I want peace. I am working so hard to make a life, my life. I can't let him ruin it again. But I so have a dog now, who manages to keep people at a distance when she is barking at the door. I have learned how to prepare, and protect myself, and I know how to leave evidence should he ever show up and succeed in his former plan of kidnapping me. 

I do not follow a routine. It's too easy to predict. My house is locked up tight. Booby trapped (nothing dangerous). I just wish I had people I could trust now. I can't even trust my own family. My best friend since childhood turned out to be working with him. 

Should something happen, I could hide. But I did that before. I am not running this time, fear or no fear. I will not let him continue winning.