On Death and Life

Grampa kitty died. In my bed, under the covers where he chose to be, nestled between my legs, my hand on his little head. I am pretty sure he purred a little. And the he finally gave up the fight. And I am not ashamed to say I cried.

I took him in several months ago, when I saw he was neglected, mistreated, and needed someone to care. He wasn't abused. But he had earned the respect that everything that old should receive, and I wanted to make his last months good ones for him. I am convinced that I fulfilled that, and I believe he knew it. He followed me around right up until the end, when I realized he was ready to lie down and sleep. But he needed me there, because every time I moved, he tried to follow. I finally set him up on my bed, then spent the rest of the night sitting as close to him as possible and letting him know he wasn't alone.

He drooled, and couldn't even get up to pee anymore, so my room literally became an infirmary. But I laid in bed with him, providing warmth, comfort. I rubbed his head, and he enjoyed that. I believe he even purred a little. He died quietly, and he was not alone. vr

I am scared to die. Not because I don't know what happens next......I do know, and I don't believe it's heaven or hell. i believe it is something beyond that; something God will reveal in his own time.

No, what scares me is the utter end of death. No feeling, no thinking, no pain, no laughter, never seeing a sunrise, or a smile, or feeling tears, or falling off a bike, or talking to a friend, or realizing misplaced dreams. Animals are blessed in that they know, at some point life ends for them. Some go quietly. Others fight, horribly. And it would be easier for me to just put them out of sight somewhere so i don't have to be tortured by it. But they crave companionship, too. No one, not even an animal, wants to die alone.

And maybe that is what scares me........dying alone.

Every year I watch the 9/11 shows on history channel, not because I like to relive what happened, but because I believe we should all remember. Over 3000 people died that day. Many more thousands affected by their helplessness to do anything. People ask me why I torture myself, because I always cry. I watch to remind me of my humanity. To remember that there are people dying, not because they want to, but because someone else has chosen for them. Plans, dreams, joys, regrets, all snuffed out and gone in no time flat, when it takes 9 months to create each and every human being.

I know it's the cycle of life, but it certainly isn't natural. We were created to live forever.

I don't believe in heaven in the sense that that is where we go when we die. Heaven is God's realm, from which he runs his government. And I do not believe in any physical hell. Hell is where we are right now. And while loss looms large in my life, just as it does in other' lives, I do believe there is something more yet to come, when God is ready to make it clear.

I don't want to go to heaven. I want to live right here, learning, reading, writing, meeting new people, watching children grow, taking care of pets, testing my limits, trying new things. There is so much to learn, and see, and I cannot imagine having that opportunity cut short.

My heart goes out to those who have a lost a loved one for whatever reason.

My heart also goes out to those who have lost all desire to live, for whatever reason. My heart especially goes out to those who have no choice in the matter.

I want to live. I have so much to learn, to explore and experience.

I am single, and I don't mind, honestly. I don't trust anyone, and so it keeps me from being hurt. But sometimes I wish I had a friend to talk with, to share with, to get feedback for ideas from. Someone who will be honest, and not just tell me whatever I want to hear to keep from upsetting me. Brutal honesty is better than well-intentioned lies.

But life is too short. We keep saying,"ah, I have time, I can do it tomorrow." What if tomorrow doesn't come? Are you happy where you are? Do you know how people feel about you? Have you righted all the wrongs, and loved those who need it? We don't have to be famous. Our legacy lies in who we are right now, in life, and how we treat others.

Don't waste your life on frivolous things. There will  be time for those later.