Musings on life, love, and everything in between

I watch her sleeping, my angel, my life's delight. She cuddles in close keeping us both warm, and I am comforted. I need her perhaps more than she needs me- she does, after all, have her mother. But I am lost when she is gone, like a duckling in a lonely pond and no one to swim to.

It's bizarre, how I dreaded the day I might find out my daughter was pregnant, and I tried, in vain, to prevent that from happening. Now, I wouldn't go back to change it for one second. Not even if God himself promised to take me back to before I met my ex-boyfriend. I would endure every torture he inflicted happily if I knew she was waiting at the end of it all.

I had a long break in my writing just now.....got a phone call from a good friend who really helped me see through some of the darkness that has been clouding my vision. Maybe all I needed was a cathartic release....or some wise advice from an objective observer. Either way, it refueled my fire and my flame burns hot and high.

Being off the antidepressants is difficult. I have been taking drugs since the year 2000 to help me get through days...no...minutes. People do not realize how long and agonizing a few hours can be when you are used to feeling numb through them all. But I dredge on, determined to do this. I am weepy, sensitive, depressed. But I feel renewed since my phone conversation.

I know all the things I need to do...I have been doing this a long time. Exercise, food, sunlight, meditation, relaxation.....blah, blah, blah. Vitamins, etc. I know. I know. I have been to therapy enough to be my own therapist. I have taken two years of psychology classes.

It's a pit, this thing called depression. Add to it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder brought on by childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse and neglect.......who could stand before this demon? Who could walk through that fire unburnt....clean and unscathed? I struggle.....No...I fight, and I fight hard, daily. I understand suicidal tendencies. I see that bleak, desolate mountain before me on a regular basis. I know why cutters cut. I get it all too well.

But I am still here. I have stared into the eyes of the angel of light, and I have survived. He didn't kill me. He didn't stop me from living even after he took almost everything I had. Maybe God is refining me. Maybe I do have a higher purpose. Maybe I am important......not as important as his disciples.....but important nonetheless.

I am still here for a reason. Maybe now it's time to figure that reason out.